i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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