I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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