Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
