Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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