just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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