there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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