my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
