i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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