Pappa wants mamma naked
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
