My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
