Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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