Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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