i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
