The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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