You're my little dorito
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
