mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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