So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
