so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
