I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
