I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
