yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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