yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
