help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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