i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
