toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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