i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
