I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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