Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
