I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
