I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
