i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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