Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
