you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
