Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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