Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
