Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
