he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
