Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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