Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
