got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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