Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
