I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
