i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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