the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
