I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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