I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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