Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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