this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
