so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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