Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
