Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
