So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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