apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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