I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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